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Do You Déjà Vu?
Déjà vu. The feeling that you've been through a particular situation, event, or general feeling before. It's like a slap from an old girlfriend: You still feel it --- even your cheek begins to redden. Uh-huh. A déjà vu is like an itch: No matter how you scratch at it, it's still there, and you're nowhere closer than relieving yourself of it.
Years ago, a friend of mine posits over seminary supper grub that experiencing déjà vu is like getting a second chance to make up for a past mistake; that when the feeling comes over you, you can, within that particular day, correct a past mistake. Years later, banging away at my office PC, trying to make great (not just good) copy for a dating website --- at the office, we all lovingly point out that our site is the first secure and primary online matchmaking service based in Cebu City --- it was then that I realized I never got around to asking him one important question: If déjà vu is a sign that I’ve got a second chance to correct a past mistake, how am I supposed to know which mistake it was? If it follows that a déjà vu is a peremptory sign that something within your day is bound to happen 'again' and you're supposed to watch out for it to avoid committing the same mistake again (or correcting it), there has to be a specific and overt sign that should alert me to whatever situation may occur --- again. If a cat and a newspaper were left at my front door, I wouldn't mind at all. At least it would get me somewhere.
Usually, when we make mistakes, we thump ourselves over the head and try to remember not to make the same mistake again, in some far off circumstance in the future. But this does not help answer the dilemma déjà vu presents: Which part of my day am I supposed to correct and make good at? If only déjà vu's would point out as clear as it can, which mistake is bound to happen during my day --- again --- then, I could probably prepare for it --- but it doesn't! Ah, woe is me!
Every one of us would give up something meaningful if given the chance make something right. I know I would. I know I'd give anything just to go back to that time when I blew my pot of gold on some fleeting purchases, so I could buy Joyce a decent engagement ring. I’m not romantic per se, but it's the thought (d’oh!) and the propriety of the thing that counts. Man, was I a stupid dolt!
I know I would've gone back to moment when my aunts came to visit and I didn't bother meeting them. Later, I was told that they ganged up on my mom and called her a bad mother because she couldn't provide for my younger brother. A few days later, her pressure shot through the roof and she had to be confined. Never mind that they promised to send her help when she needed it --- they had the gall to call her a bad mother when they didn't even send a single centavo and take care of their own business. Talk about relatives --- Sheesh! I wish I could go back in time and point out where they all went wrong ---- my mom and my aunts. Maybe then, they'd realize that we, myself included, all had a fault in that particular family matter. All is fair in relating with blood relations, I guess.
I know would've have given anything to bring back Puffy, our Jap Spitz, or Sushi, our pet Labrador puppy.
Age has a way of putting things in perspective. Three, four, even five years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated and would've done things my way. Sure, we all question our motives, weigh things and think things through till migraine sets in. But in my case, it was never about doing things because I had to (I left the seminary for a lot of reasons, and this was one big part of it). I did things because I wanted to. I wanted to experience. Somewhere along the way, in the haste and flurry of it all, when we are caught in the moment, there are no regrets and no culpability and other people get hurt in the process.
I think the whole point of a déjà vu is this: That we live each day, trying to do our best, work hard, do good instead of harm, and spread a little joy and love around and make the people around us feel good. That way, déjà vu’s won't become an all too-familiar feeling to us. Because by then we would be faced with something else: A whole new day to look forward to. A day that is unique. It becomes something we may not have encountered since we were kids: An adventure of a lifetime. I did have a déjà vu a couple of days ago. I was on my afternoon cigarette break when the sight of street bum carrying a bulging sack on his back caught my eye. A cold shiver ran down my back and somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought that this scene, this particular moment, felt so familiar. As strange as it was, it felt really familiar. So I quickly rummaged through my mind, trying to think what it was I had to correct. But it never came to me. I was standing in front of our building, watching the street bum pick his way through a garbage can and then move on. A slight drizzle completed the picture.
The shiver passed again.
Déjà vu? That, or cold rainwater dripping down my back.
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